alone or lost?

I don't know why, but at about 3pm yesterday afternoon as I was sitting in the Nehemiah Center office working, I felt like bursting into tears. I don't know if I was just tired and thus unreasonably emotional, or if this is part of the cultural stress process. But it's so odd, because everyone here has been nothing but kind to me.

Hultner has become my very first Nicaraguan big brother (he's actually my age, but I think of him as older), helping me house hunt, helping me learn the bus system, inviting me to things at his family´s church, showing me around the neighborhood, and even going with me to compare bed prices and buying me little coffee crackers at the farmacia we stopped at.

Leonor has treated me like a sister, and instead of making me feel inadequate about my Spanish, she asked me to speak English with her to help her learn better, and commented that we can learn from each other. Today she offered to go out to lunch with me when I didn't have food, and in the middle of it, she told me that “me das confianza”. You give me confianza, she said. Confianza is a rich Spanish word encompassing the ideas of confidence and trust.

Then there is Iskra, the other totally bilingual member of the Nehemiah Center staff (Hultner's English is great too), who expressed admiration for me today, for being the “bus lady”. (I have been told that many Nicaraguans are semi-afraid of the buses, as they can be kind of treacherous if you don't pay attention. I almost got injured today trying to board a bus—it started moving before I got on! Hultner shook his head after I had safely regained my footing, and asked "¿What are we, animals?")

And the Americans...Shannon and Kathy, who have opened their home to me, provided advice and transportation in my process of getting settled, and encouraged me with their words of affirmation. And of course Anne and Heather who both immediately befriended me in Leon—who shared meals with me, showed me how to survive in their city, and made me feel like I was not alone for my first month here.

Perhaps that is what I felt...a sense of loneliness. For the first time since I got here, I spent a Friday night alone. But it's more than that. I'm not physically lonely. I'm emotionally lonely. I feel unable to convey my feelings in Spanish, and I have few people to share them with in English. Perhaps what I have felt is not just about being alone, but about being lost. Time is passing, and things are happening, but suddenly I feel a lack of direction. I don´t really know where I am going or what I am doing.

O Lord, Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Jesus, I pray you would show me what to do, what to say, how to spend my time and energy each day. It all belongs to you. And help me receive the kindness of others as a gift from you. You're the source of all the good things I know.