I mentioned Friday that I was headed out of town to be with the family of a good friend D. whose paternal grandmother was dying; the abuelita had sent word that she wanted to see all her grandchildren one last time.
And so it was that I found myself behind the wheel with D and a carful of brothers and nieces and nephews Friday afternoon on our way to a rural area in the department of Leon 2 hours away. D's parents separated when she was young, and all of the children were raised by their mother. Over the years, D tells me that they have gone to visit a handful of times, but never has their dad's family come to visit them. It is clear there is a painful story here, and I ask why they continue to maintain this relationship if it so one-sided.
"Familia es familia," they say.
"Even though they have never done right by us, we feel a responsibility to do what is right." How humbling it is to witness grace like this.
I try to imagine if I would still go visit my dad's relatives if they had never lifted a finger to help me or my family. I think about the difference between D's family, where the 5 siblings have stuck together, fiercely loyal to each other and their mom, and my own, where my siblings and I have gone our separate ways and barely maintain monthly phone contact.
"We have formed our own system of protection," they tell me. I pause and consider where I think my protection comes from. It is not my family. My bank account? My education? My friends? I'd like to say that I always live like my protection comes from my God, but that would be overspiritualizing my reality.
I find myself thinking that I could learn a lot by being part of a family like this.
I already have.
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3 comments:
I learned a lot there about the value of family, which I think many Americans have lost. It is hard to do right by other family members when they don't do right by you. My sister and I are having that problem lately and it'd be so much easier to throw in the towel!
It helps to remember that every person is doing the best they can. Even if we intellectually "know" something we still may not be "doing" it in our lives.
Our mistake is in believing that others must earn our respect, attention, or love - and that we must earn theirs.
When we give without expecting anything in return - whatever form that giving may take: love, listening, attention, acceptance, affection, forgiveness, gratitude - we will heal ourselves and the world.
As long as we expect a response or are waiting for someone else to "do right" by us we'll all be waiting.
As soon as we give regardless of response - or lack thereof - simply give because we can and that is who we are - then others will eventually respond and learn to do the same.
We must "be the change we wish to see in the world" in order to create the world we desire.
A lot of my friends have estranged family members. I grew up in a large family that moved several times. Perhaps that was why we were so close. Over the years we've had our fights and reconciliations but our family is something that means everything to all of us. We even go so far as to invite others into our extremely disfunctional and mostly insane family. They join us and never leave us. We are first and foremost US. It's been worth the fights, the apologies, the tears and the laughter. We remain joined by God's my gracious gift of love. Work for it Pamela. It is all worth it.
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