There are days here in Nicaragua when I don't recognize myself. And it's not because my hair is shorter or because I'm a size or two smaller. It's because I'm saying things I've never heard myself say. I'm doing things I never thought I'd do. I'm considering potential futures for my life that I never would have considered a year ago. I'm allowing some of my longly held convictions to be challenged, and others to be cemented.
I'm more critical of my home culture than I have ever been, and yet at the same time can't stand to hear someone outside my culture slam my government as the source of all the world's evil. I'm more engaged and in love with the Latin American experience that I was living in a city that was half Latino, and at the same time cling with a passion to certain northamerican comforts (like pizza and Patty Griffin). I'm as committed as ever to the gospel of Christ, and yet totally uncomfortable with some aspects of the evangelical church's theology and practice here-and I wonder where I really belong in the family of God.
And so I am wondering, as I prepare for a trip back to San Antonio next month...Who am I? Will my friends recognize and accept (and love?) the person I have become (and am becoming)? Where is my home? Will I still love Broadway St. and McCullough Ave, Taco Cabana and The Quarry? Will my heart still find its rest in the quiet sanctuary at 404 N. Alamo?
Will I still feel that I belong in the culture into which I was born--or perhaps I do not "belong" to any one culture--only to certain individuals in a variety of contexts with whom I have shared meaningful experiences.
Will I feel hopelessly out of place for the rest of my life, or will I discover a new definition of "home"?
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5 comments:
Good thoughts, Pamela. It is certainly true that an extended period in another culture is good for many things, not the least of which is challenging one's assumptions and broadening one's horizons. It also seems to me that when one is on the path of self-assesment, figuring out "who you are" and where you fit in (in the church or otherwise) is a life-long process, whether at "home" or abroad.
We look forward to your visit!
Mary Ruth is wise.
I've felt so many similar things in my past experiences, Pam. Your family & friends in SA will be ecstatic to see you. But I gently encourage you to be patient with them. By keeping up with you online (and in other ways), they have only a small glimpse of the intensity of your experience. You are in a place with fewer distractions, better allowing you this time of self-assessment. We are still the same old American evangelicals: trying to live for Jesus in a me-saturated culture. And it's really easy to live for myself. My point is, I remember feeling very deep things in my heart & soul, and I could only really communicate them to my dearest of friends, one-on-one. What caught me off guard the first few times returning home was that the people I thought I trusted most were least interested in my experiences. It was a bit of a blow, to say the least. Just have prayerful patience for everyone you encounter. Their lives for the most part are going on as "normal".
Finally, your thoughts about where home is struck me too. I believe home is where your heart is at peace, whether that's with a certain person or in a special place. For me, the act of prayer has always felt like "coming home". I can rest there.
I love you. I wish I could see you.
Dawn
Hola, muy buen blog!
Te dejo un video.
Embrace of the Future - 2010
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXCE5qHPpmE
Si te gusta el tema conectame a: crisol1950@gmail.com
Un saludo.
I hope that you have a restful time at home, and that you get the chance to ask those questions from supportive people.
Much love.
Pam I am excited to see you. I am sure you still rock and will always rock. I am sure you have lots to share and I am excited about that. I think that Mad Hatters will still be yummy no matter how long you have been out of San Antonio.
Re-entry shock will be weird and people will seem not to have a clue, but some of us will listen and will emphasize. Truly folks don't really get it unless they are there expereincing it, so that could be a little frustrating.
I like the part where you metioned maybe you are connected to people and meaningful expereinces.
Personally, there are some people I will be forever connected with because of the expereinces we shared, even if I only talk to them on occasion. They knows parts of me that maybe others don't know and they saw me grow. Sometimes even if you are in a country a short time you connect with folks and they are in your heart forever.
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